If you’re not a fan of The Office or haven’t watched any episodes, you may not get any of the references here, but that’s okay. You’ll still get the gist. (Hopefully).
On the show, two of the main characters are Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. They work in an office of a paper company called Dunder Mifflin. Their jobs are not very exciting — Jim is a salesman and Pam is the office receptionist. They are friends, who eventually fall in love, and *spoiler alert* get married and have kids.
The show is basically about their love story and the crazy things that happen in this office with all the different, oddball characters around them. But even amid the hilarity that ensues, there are some serious moments.
For example, Jim realizes early on that he has become too comfortable in his job. He has stayed stagnant in the position, but there is an apparent underlying current of restlessness in him because he knows there has to be more for his life than just being a salesman at a paper company in a small town.
On the other hand, Pam has dreams of being an artist, but her fear holds her back from pursuing anything that could potentially change her life. She takes art classes and even paints things for the company or the city, but they are small jumps that keep her safe in her comfort zone. Eventually, she realizes that her fear doesn’t just affect her, but it prevents Jim from thriving, as well.
What does any of this have to do with me?
I am faced with choosing whether I’m going to be either Jim or Pam.
It’s been two weeks since I started my new job, and without going into too much detail, I’ll say — it’s very similar to Dunder Mifflin (minus the quirky coworkers or a boss like Michael Scott).
My day consists of sitting in a cubicle on the 3rd floor of a corporate office, staring at a computer, digging through paperwork.
And it’s quiet.
When I mean quiet, I mean, like eerily quiet.
Were it not for the clickety-clack of the keyboards around me, you’d think I was working in a funeral home.
No exaggeration.
Most all of the “conversations” we have are via email.
What someone could walk over and tell me face-to-face, they type out in an email.
I’m not even slightly kidding.
In an 8-hour day, I have a total of maybe 30–45 minutes MAX of daily conversation, and that’s with the girl who has been training me.
What on earth happens when I’m not in training anymore? Will that total time be like, 10 minutes?
My gawd.
I went from a job where I talked nonstop from 7 am-4 pm, and now I don’t speak to anyone.
I used to come home and sit in silence to decompress. Now I talk Professor Sister’s ears off while she’s yawning and half-asleep from her long day of teaching.
I’m not a social creature by any means. The thought of having to socialize gives me anxiety. But even for me, this is….WEIRD.
Everyone at my job has been so lovely. (By everyone, I mean the four people I have interacted with. There are way more than four people in my department).
Not everyone has been warm and welcoming, though.
One guy was eating his lunch in the breakroom when I walked in, smiled kindly behind my mask, and said, “Hey.”
He looked at me, didn’t say anything, and continued eating.
*Note to self: flip him off next time. That should get a response.* (Also, why are men?!)
Dealing with that guy isn’t as bad as knowing that I am surrounded by people in cubicles all around me, all day, who never speak to me aside from “Good morning.” There is VERY LITTLE interaction amongst us.
My new boss warned me of this when I interviewed, so it’s not like I didn’t know this coming into the job. If you read my previous post, you’ll know I was so excited about this idea!
After 14 years of being forced to be “ON” all the time and then being gaslit because my “ON” wasn’t good enough — this environment sounded like a utopia.
Not being forced to eat lunch in the lounge or attend staff Christmas parties? Yes, please! Sign me up!
Since I was young, I dreamed of being a teacher, a librarian, or an office receptionist.
The first two — accomplished or in progress, respectively.
Why an office receptionist?
Well, I dreamed of having a desk, a phone (specifically the kind that had the shoulder pad you can rest the phone on), framed pictures, a little water fountain, and a speaker/radio that quietly played “Hits of the 80s/90s”. (Yes, I am aware that this dream sounds very 1950s/anti-feminist, but don’t hate. It’s my dream).
When I started my current job, I got everything I had dreamed of: the desk, space to decorate, a phone, and a computer. I mean…it was everything I had dreamed of.
But what do you do when you get what you want, and it turns out that it’s not what you thought it would be?
I feel so guilty feeling this way, trust me. And no, I have no plans/desire to quit because this is what I asked for! And I am by no means a quitter!
I turned down an opportunity to interview for a library manager position even though it sounded more reasonable and logical than what I’m doing now.
That job would have been more in my wheelhouse, but it was also safe and comfortable.
I left my career — what I had gone to school for and was trained to do — with the desire to stretch myself and experience something new and different.
And I got what I asked for.
So, what does it say about me when I find myself asking God, “Is this where I’m supposed to be?”
I knew I wasn’t going to discover my purpose as soon as I walked in the door.
That wasn’t included in my employee handbook.
But I am looking around and thinking, “This can’t be right. Did I misinterpret this? Did I make the wrong decision?”
I needed a job, and God gave me one — one that I had dreamed up.
So why do I feel like I’m ungrateful?
The work itself is boring and can be tedious. When people ask, “How’s the job?” all I can say is, “It’s a job.”
It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for it or that it’s miserable. I am so thankful to have a steady income and health insurance again. I am so thankful to have somewhere to be every day.
But, it also doesn’t make me excited. I don’t jump out of bed going, “Yay! I get to do more ___ today!!”
It’s just … a job. I have no feelings here or there about it. I feel “meh” about it. I can guarantee that nothing I do as a part of my job here are things that I will use in the future.
I have had to accept that this is not my career. So, transitioning from a career (teaching) to a job (9–5) has been hard for me to adjust to.
Even the thought of having opportunities at upward mobility with this company makes me panic.
Jim, from The Office, thought becoming manager and moving up in Dunder Mifflin would satiate his passion. But in the end, it didn’t. He was still unhappy. Because he knew there had to be more than Dunder Mifflin.
And I get that. Because I’m only two weeks in, and I can already tell you — I don’t want to move upwards.
My fear, though, is that I’ll become an amalgamation of Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly.
That I’ll get stuck where I’m at and lose the longing to be extraordinary.
The problem is…I always stay too long.
In jobs.
Churches.
Relationships.
Every time, God has had to force His hand for me to move.
I don’t want that this time because now I know that jumping when He says to is actually worth it.
What if I get so comfortable and wait too long to do the thing that made me leave it all behind in the first place? And now I, and those around me, are all unhappy.
What if I stay too long that I mistake what God meant as a temporary “holding place” for me to be permanent?
I don’t believe that everything I’ve experienced, especially this year, led up to THIS —getting a predictable, mundane job.
This can’t be what I was created and destined for.
There has to be more than this.
This can’t be the period to my story.
After some time to think about it and talking to Professor Sister, I reminded myself that this doesn’t have to be permanent.
There is a purpose to me being here — whether it’s someone I have to meet or someone who needs to meet me.
Or even the fact that I have so much more downtime than I used to have during work? Maybe I’m supposed to hone my craft or discover my real purpose?
As Professor Sister suggested, maybe I’m supposed to make my TIME here purposeful.
I thought I came here to accomplish big things, but maybe I’m not here to DO anything.
Maybe I’m here to BECOME something.
Maybe I’m just supposed to BE here….in the “meantime.”
God knew I needed a job to live and survive, so He gave me exactly that. A job to sustain me and meet our needs.
This could be a temporary placeholder where I can still learn and grow, but not a job that swallows me and all my time up.
My career defined my very existence for 14 years, and now it doesn’t. So maybe, this is time for me to find out who I am supposed to be and what I’m supposed to do with my life.
Can I accept that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be at this moment in my life? And, even if I don’t have something great to achieve, there’s a purpose somewhere for me?
I can either allow this job to be a comma or a full stop.
The choice is up to me.
