I started the year with a hopeful goal — which was a quote from Jacqueline Whitney in her book All That You Desire. She wrote, “It will all work out. You will become who you need to be. You will find what you are looking for.”
I had given myself a due date with that goal and now that we’re mere days until the end of the year, I feel like I failed.
I haven’t become who I needed to be or found what I was looking for.
I, honestly, don't even know who I’m supposed to be or what I’m looking for.
That’s always been my struggle, hasn’t it? Seems to be a recurring theme for yours truly.
But, not having the answers doesn’t mean I have failed.
When this year started, I was at the onset of a deep depression that would eventually lead me back down a dark path of suicidal ideation.
It wasn’t until God provided me a lifeline, where I was able to receive the help that I so desperately needed, that I felt like I was finally able to stand on my own two feet.
In the last 9 months, I have fought some of my biggest demons and have uncovered wounds from my life that I had long denied or never even knew existed.
None of the work I have done has been easy and nothing I have talked about has been comfortable.
The more vulnerable I’ve allowed myself to be, the more I have learned about myself — both good and bad.
I was beating myself up a couple of weeks ago for not making more progress — it felt like nothing had changed in my life.
For all that work, shouldn’t I be farther along?
Shouldn’t people be NOTICING these changes??
Hell, shouldn’t I feel different?!
But I didn’t.
I still felt like such a loser.
I talked this big game of taking a leap of faith by quitting a career I loved and was really good at, because I believed I was meant for something greater.
Only to end up at a mind-numbingly boring job that I hate.
And here I am, two years later, still at this dead-end job …
Still overweight …
Still haven’t done anything meaningful with my life.
Fail. Failing. Failure.
But, that is such a lie.
I have made progress.
I have changed.
Not in the way that people expect or can see— or even worthy to post about on social media.
I may not fully have become the person I need to be, but I have made some big steps towards becoming that person.
And I may not have found what I am looking for, but I think I’m a helluva lot closer than where I started.
I wanted to BE a lot of things this year….and, I think I did exactly that
I am [trying to] be more patient with myself.
I am not running the same race as everyone else, and my journey isn’t the same as others. Everything will work out for me exactly when it is supposed to.
I am learning to be kinder to myself.
The things I have said to myself, about myself, is just….terrible.
Knowing that God has heard all of these thoughts, scares me….cause if I were Him (thank God I’m not), I would be pissed knowing how hateful I am towards something I created.
I have hated myself, destroyed myself, berated myself, and terrorized myself — all because other people made me believe I was worthless.
My entire life story has been narrated by people who didn’t want me around, saw no value in me, felt I was disposable, were unkind, judgmental, and critical and I believed every word.
But what they said isn’t my truth.
Eleanor Roosevelt was right, no one gets to make you feel inferior unless you allow them — and I’ve allowed too many people to make me believe that I am.
I am learning to be more protective of myself.
If my instincts are telling me that someone or something is off, if I don’t feel safe, or if I feel like I’m not being heard, seen, or respected, then it’s up to me to set those boundaries.
It’s up to me to get out.
I don’t owe anyone explanations and I no longer will put my own mental health at jeopardy to appease anyone.
I am learning to be more aware.
I never paid attention to energies within or around me, or even attune to what my body was telling me.
I have always felt disconnected from all the parts of myself — spiritual, physical, and emotional.
I never saw them as one whole being, instead, I treated them as separate entities.
But, this year, I have learned to recognize emotional triggers and better understand what causes things to manifest in me physically.
I am learning the value of being aligned within myself.
Being still.
Being honest.
Being strong.
Being vulnerable.
Being gentle.
It hasn’t been easy, but I finally feel like I am getting to know myself better and taking control of my life.
And, I like the person I’m becoming — or better yet, discovering myself to be.
More than finding all the answers, I am learning to be and LOVE who I really am.
And I’ve discovered that person is the very antithesis of what so many people expect or assume of me.
I no longer feel like I have to play the role(s) that people have forced me to play because that is how they’re comfortable seeing me.
My greatest accomplishment this year is that I have learned to simply…..BE ME.
So, I was wrong….
I have learned to be many things, and, hopefully next year, I will continue to learn to be a lot more.
Becoming is a never-ending process.
As Michelle Obama said in her book, [aptly titled] “Becoming,” she wrote, “Becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end.”
So, yes, I am a work in progress, and although others may not see all the effort and work, and they may even see me as a failure or a loser, that is OK…
I may not have all the answers right now, but the one thing I do feel certain of is that every day, I am just one step closer to becoming who I need to be and finding what I’ve been looking for.
Thank you for walking along this journey of becoming with me….I hope you will stick around as I continue to become next year.
Happy New Year, friends.
May 2024 bring us all more clarity, purpose, direction, hope, joy, and love.
