I love potato salad.
I mean, love.
I can eat it any time of the year.
I don't know what it is about potato salad, but it’s deep and real.
But, I pay a painful price to enjoy potato salad.
And by that I mean, my stomach pays a price.
More often than not, if I eat potato salad, I am writhing in pain from stomach cramps the next day.
Which is then followed by texts to my sister about how much I regretted eating the potato salad.
Yet, despite knowing this is the effect of eating potato salad — I never learn.
I just keep buying it, eating it, being in pain, texting my sis….and then repeating it over and over again.
Until one day, the pain was so unbearable that I was basically crouched over in my cubicle.
I realized that it just wasn’t worth it.
And as sad as I am that I can’t eat it anymore, it’s nice not to be in such pain.
But why didn’t I just learn the first time?
I just kept continuously repeating the same mistake over and over again like a dumbass — expecting to get different results.
Didn’t Einstein say that was the definition of insanity?
As if I needed any more proof that I’m insane.
I have found myself in a couple of life circumstances that are quite similar.
I’m struggling with parts of my life and certain relationships where I find myself continuously going back and repeating the same mistakes over and over.
I want so badly to have these areas of my life settled and resolved, but I keep getting sucked back.
Same situation, maybe dressed slightly different.
So, obviously, I didn’t learn what I was supposed to the first go around.
I keep making the same mistake over and over again, and instead of learning my lesson and doing better….I stupidly keep making the same poor choices, hoping that the results will be different this time.
“Maybe if eat less potato salad, I won’t be in pain all day??”
That’s how I think.
But wouldn’t a logical, reasonable person accept no pain at all over less amount in pain??
In all of these situations, the only thing that is different is my age, the people, or sometimes, the circumstances.
But at its core, it is the same.
It’s the same poor choices.
It’s the same terrible consequences.
There is a point when it no longer is a ‘mistake’ but a conscious choice.
I’m choosing to put myself through this over and over again.
Shouldn’t I be wiser now?
Shouldn’t I know better?
Why does this situation feel very similar to what I went through in my 20s and 30s?
Oh that’s right…cause I didn’t learn back then!
Even something as simple as the way I dress has been a problem for me.
Recently I had a fashion meltdown because I felt like I was dressing like an Indian aunty and immediately began to overhaul my wardrobe.
I aired this out on my Instagram stories as a cry for help.
But a few days ago, when I looked back at my archives, I realized that I had the same meltdown over a year ago and did absolutely nothing about it then.
So here I was, having the exact same meltdown…because I didn’t solve the problem then.
See?
I never learn!
Just to assure you, potato salad and my styling are all frivolous issues — they’re not what I am really struggling with.
But you get the idea.
I could sit here and spin my wheels — berating myself for being such an idiot for not doing better.
But what good will that do me?
All I know is, I just want so much better for myself.
And I’m freakin 40 — I don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes I made when I was in my 20s and 30s.
I know better.
When you know better, you’re supposed to do better.
When you do better, you become better.
It’s been said that if you don’t learn from history, then you’re bound to repeat it.
So I guess I can take comfort in the fact that I’m not the only dumbass refusing to learn from mistakes — cause we are currently surrounded by idiots in the world refusing to learn and be better.
It’s not comforting, though because is that what I want my legacy to be?
A dumbass who never learns from her mistakes?
Who never wants to evolve?
Grow?
Learn?
Be better?
No.
I want to be better than this.
So, I am going to learn what I need to learn and end what I need to end….
Cause I’ll be damned if I go down this road again.
