"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)
"The Lord will fight your battles; you only need to be still" (Exodus 14:14).
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him" (Psalm 37:7).
"Those that wait will rise on eagles wings" (Isaiah 40:31).
These were the messages drilled into my head as early as I can remember.
Scriptures in the Bible I had to memorize and recite.
Sermons were given about these verses at Sunday services, conventions, and conferences.
Adults and young people constantly trying to convince me of how amazing things will turn out if I just “BE STILL AND WAIT”
I heard about it at Saturday night prayer meetings, ladies' meetings, Sunday school lessons, fasting prayers, and youth meetings.
I even led worship, singing songs about being still and waiting.
Be still.
Wait on the Lord.
Be still.
Wait and trust.
Be still.
Now, at the ripe age of 40, I find myself asking…
Why would a loving God tell us to be still in life's most challenging times?
It feels a little sadistic if you ask me.
Because for someone like me, it’s the stillness and silence that make things even harder.
It’s the stillness that feels the most painful, the most unbearable.
Yet, I am supposed to believe that being still is the best option?
Make it make sense, Lord.
Cause…"being still" is not all it is cracked up to be.
It actually sucks.
Because all I see around me is the world moving and changing…fast.
And I'm sitting here watching, wondering what the hell is happening.
I feel like I am the living embodiment of the John Travolta gif.
What's happening?
Why is everything changing?
Why is everyone doing things?
Did I miss something?
Was I not CC'd on this message?
Did I miss the moment I was supposed to start moving?
In elementary school, we would play freeze tag during PE.
There were usually 2–3 classes in PE at the same time, so at least 60 kids were screaming and running away from two or three people who were chosen to be "it."
And if you got tagged, you were frozen until someone unfreezes you.
Sometimes you would get frozen in the most awkward positions, but you were stuck.
All you could do was watch the pure chaos around you and hope someone would have mercy on you.
You couldn’t even tell who was "it" cause everyone was just running around like a bunch of wild animals.
And while they were running past you, fleeing for their lives, and you stood frozen, you would sometimes make eye contact with a few of them and they would look at you with pity (or glee if they were psychos):
"Aww, your poor dumbass got frozen?! Sorry bout cha!"
And those buttfaces would keep running.
That poor frozen dumbass?
Hey. Hi. It's me.
I'm the frozen dumbass.
And nobody wants to unfreeze me.
Life is changing all around me, and I can't seem to make it stop…or, at the very least, slow down.
Everything feels out of control, and all I keep being told is, "Be still and wait."
YOU BE STILL, YOU BUTTFACE!!
*sigh*
Going into this, I had no idea what I was embarking on or what awaited me.
So I already didn't know what I was doing.
Being still has only reminded me how little I know and makes me feel like I have made little to no progress.
I’m not sure what I was expecting things to look like….
I just think I was hoping I would feel different.
To encourage me, I was told, "But you are growing and evolving; you just can't see it” and then was proceeded to be compared to a caterpillar.
A caterpillar that changes into a butterfly doesn’t see itself or know what will happen while changing into a butterfly.
It just goes through the process trusting that something great happens at the end.
Well, damn, that feels unfair.
That sucks for both the caterpillar and me, to be honest.
Shouldn't I see what’s happening?
Shouldn’t I get to know what’s happening?
Shouldn’t I get to watch all the old parts of me dying and molting away and celebrate as I change and emerge into someone better and stronger?
If I'm the one growing and changing, shouldn't I get a front-row seat to watch it happen?
I mean… I'm the one doing the work! I don't even get to be excited about the progress?
Be still…
But it's exhausting.
It feels like it takes more work and effort than actually doing something.
Be still…
But it's lonely and isolating.
While everyone is doing, moving, growing, learning, evolving, experiencing… I'm just sitting here like a bump on a log.
Be still….
But it’s so scary.
How do I explain this as my choice to be people who don’t have to be still?
How do I make sense of something I don’t even know?
How do I start when I don’t even know what I’m supposed to start??
Be still…
But it's frustrating!
In the musical Hamilton, Aaron Burr, played by Leslie Odom Jr., sings a song called "Wait For It," where he sings about watching his rival, Hamilton, do everything he can to achieve what he wants.
He sings, "Hamilton doesn’t hesitate, he exhibits no restraint, he takes, and he takes, and he takes. And he keeps winning anyway. He changes the game he plays, and he raises the stakes."
I thought about this for some time and I think there are two versions of people who are like Hamilton.
My sister is an excellent example of one version.
She knows exactly what she wants to do.
She is ambitious, driven, and works hard.
But she will never steamroll over anyone or do anything with malicious intent to achieve those goals.
Everything she achieves, or even wants to achieve, she does by working her ass off.
She is the version of Hamilton that is driven, ambitious, and "relentless" — in the most positive way.
Then there is the other version.
I’ll refer to this person as "Garbage"… (because that’s what they are).
This person is selfish and manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what they want — even if it means destroying other people's lives.
They climb higher and higher, achieving everything they want, and finding success, with no regard for what they do to people on their way there or how many people’s lives they set on fire.
They are the Hamilton that Burr sings of; who "takes and takes…and keeps winning anyway," regardless of who he hurts or betrays in his wake.
As Burr describes Hamilton’s persistence, he sings one line that resonates so powerfully for me…
Because regardless of which version of Hamilton I am watching— I am left wondering the same thing as Burr:
"What is it like in his shoes?"
What is it like to know exactly what you want? To be relentless in your pursuit of it?
I am not saying I want to be anything like Garbage Hamilton — never.
I don’t want to bulldoze people or destroy anyone so I can feel purposeful.
But damn, even Garbage people are moving and doing?!
Why not me?
Even when I attempt to usurp the command to “be still and wait” and decide to “do” something, it doesn’t work out.
So what the hell am I supposed to do?
I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, what I was TOLD to do…
But I’ve been still and have been waiting for what feels like an eternity.
Have I not been relentless? Or brave? Or bold?
When do I finally get a turn?
Be still….
Wait….
Be still…
Wait for it…
Be still
But….for what?
And for how much longer?
