One of the things I am trying to learn right now is finding and using my voice.
For a long time, I believed I was.
I thought because I would speak my mind or bark about everything under the sun, I was using “my voice.”
But that was not the case at all.
And because I wasn’t using my voice, bridges were burned, relationships ended, trust was fractured, and I became more isolated.
I haven’t fully found my voice yet, but I understand that my real voice, my TRUE voice, isn’t detrimental to myself or others…
Isn’t hurtful or demeaning…
But one that enforces healthy boundaries…
And empowers me.
I used my voice for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and without going into full detail, let me tell you…
It was the most mentally exhausting experience.
I woke up the next morning drained --and I couldn’t understand why.
But, as I processed what had happened, replaying the conversation in my head and the words that I spoke, I realized that it was draining because, for the first time in my life, I had calmly and rationally expressed my feelings about something and stood my ground.
And it took everything in me to fight the urge to do what I’ve always done…
Like getting overemotional, irrational, hot-headed, or swayed by the situation to the point of conceding and relenting.
This time, I was thoughtful and careful with my words — respectful of what was being said to me, but also firm on what I believed to be best for myself.
It was scary and exhausting, but also incredibly liberating.
And I can only believe that the more I learn to use my voice, the better and easier it will be.
Looking back over my life, I wish I could go to different moments where I said something or wrote something publicly where I wasn’t using my voice…and although what I was saying was an expression of how I felt and not intended to hurt someone, it almost always did.
I wish I could go back and explain to them that it was just a hurt girl protecting herself…
But I can’t take back what I said or change how they felt.
However, let me also add: I was not wrong in ALL of those situations.
There are many instances where I stand by the barking and yelling….
Because whether they want to admit it or not, I was also dealing with a lot of people’s bullshit, too.
But, I couldn’t always see the difference between the ones who were yanking me around and those who weren’t —so I just barked at them all.
If I felt attacked even in the slightest, I attacked.
I wish that instead of reacting and responding in my hurt, I had known myself well enough and had my voice THEN.
I’ve been reading and learning about the true vs. false self — a theory first presented by Dr. D.W. Winnicott in the 1960s.
Based on his studies, he believed that everyone has two selves.
When we are born, we are at our “truest” — unblemished, blank slates.
Our false self is developed as a means of “protecting our inner, more vulnerable true self.” (McKeever, N., The Weekend University, 2020).
The older we get, the more experiences we have (good, bad, or traumatic), and we begin to create these false selves to adjust or accommodate those experiences and the feelings that come from them.
Not to spew a bunch of psychobabble that I am not qualified to spew, but what this has taught me about myself is that for the vast majority of my life, I have operated under this “false self.”
I believed that who I was [then], was my real, true, authentic self.
But it wasn’t —
And the lines between my true and false self became so blurred that all I knew was how to live as my false self.
It became so burdensome.
I HATED who she was.
It’s like wearing itchy clothes for 30-some-odd years, not because you WANT to, but because you don’t think you have any other choice.
What is starting to become more clear to me is that I’ve been functioning under this false self for so long, that I couldn’t recognize who I was.
So, when I said I was in the midst of an identity crisis — I meant it.
On my birthday this year, I posted a video on Instagram of an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Oprah just turned 40 and she was celebrating with other famous female celebrities who were 40+ like Gladys Knight, Patti LaBelle, and Phylicia Rashad.
Oprah asked Phylicia, “Does it [life] really get better [when you turn 40]?” (1:25)
And Rashad’s answer still sticks with me today:
“Yeah, it gets better. You slow down, you take your time with yourself, and if you haven’t already done so this is a great time to try to find out who you really are. Who you really are, apart from your name, and your face, and your bank book, your reputation and what people think of you. Who are you really.”
I’ve said repeatedly how I don’t know who I am…
And that’s because throughout the years I’ve taken on so many iterations of myself and compromised who I was--to accommodate others, to adjust to expectations, to be accepted and validated.
And like Ariel in The Little Mermaid, I paid the price by losing my voice.
I am not proud of that (Ariel shouldn’t be either, btw, regardless of how fine Prince Eric was!)…
Or the choices I made, or what I allowed others to do/say to me.
But the beautiful part of life is that you have the choice to either stay the same or learn and grow.
I’d be failing if I chose to stay the same...
But, I want to do and be better because I know I AM.
And, for the first time ever, I’m starting to feel at ease with myself.
I’m learning how to be kinder to myself and less hateful and vile.
Not only am I learning about the voice I use with others, I am learning about how I speak to myself as well.
And you know, the me that I’m starting to find?
I think I’m going to like her a lot.
