The last two weeks have been something, y’all.
After a torrential downpour a couple of weeks ago and stupidly driving through high flood waters, my twenty-year-old hand-me-down car started having engine problems.
I scheduled an appointment to take it to the mechanic, and the morning I was going to take it in, the car died.
It was dead, dead, DEAD.
After a failed attempt at jumping the car, I got it towed to the mechanic a few hours later.
Panic set in at the mere thought of having to pay $$$$ for repairs on a twenty-year-old car. It felt like a total waste of money because that’s how much I’d get for the vehicle if I traded it.
But the idea of having to now seriously think about purchasing a new vehicle made me sick to my stomach.
On top of that, I dropped my phone at work, and it died on me, too.
Took that into the provider’s store, and they couldn’t fix it because somehow the drop did something to the phone internally. (However, the screen did not crack a centimeter. #MyLuck).
And my warranty on it expired two months ago.
When it rains, it pours.
So I was off the grid for 24 hours and without a car.
And although the break from social media was nice, it was also disappointing to realize how dependent I had become on this phone.
Even more disappointing was having to pay $$$ for a replacement phone.
So that you know, my replacement phone arrived within 24 hours…
And more importantly, my car has been repaired (for less than I imagined, thankfully) and hopefully will last me another year to mentally and financially prepare myself for a new car.
But there were two lessons I learned from this whole ordeal.
One — bad days don’t mean it’s a bad life.
Things could be far, far, worse.
In situations like this, I need to maintain perspective and remind myself that, yeah, adulting sucks butt sometimes…
However, that doesn’t mean my whole life sucks.
Two — If I want my situation to change, I must do something.
For the last few months, I have kept repeating the same lines over and over in my head: “I’m frustrated,” “I feel stagnant,” and “I feel stuck.”
And then, having to deal with these adult problems made me even more frustrated because I was hoping at 39, I wouldn’t be dealing with the same issues I’ve always struggled with, especially financially.
Admittedly, I was frustrated with God because I felt like He brought me all the way here just to leave me here and not give me any real direction.
I was frustrated waiting on God….
but all this time He’s been waiting on ME.
I’ve learned this week that God isn’t the only One who has to move and do.
There are a lot of times I have to make some moves, too.
I want to lose weight.
As much as I wish I could, I can’t pray the weight away.
I have to DO something.
I want to buy a car.
But I can’t keep hoping that one day I’ll wake up and win the lottery.
I have to DO something.
I want to find my purpose.
But God owes me nothing, and He isn’t just going to reveal it to me and say, “Here it is, go do it.”
I have to DO something.
I have to be an active participant in my own life.
Every part of my life that I feel restless and stagnant about can change if I consciously try to do something and make better choices.
Here’s how I feel like the conversation between God and me would go about all of this:
Me: Lord, I really want to lose weight and get healthier.
God: Oh, you want to lose weight? Okay, great. What are you doing? Are you being more active? Are you making better choices in what you eat?
Me: I mean, technically….
God: No? DoorDash has become your chef? You could have exercised, but you chose to watch that K-drama? Well, then stay fat, you buttface.
Me: Father, I really need a new car. I’ve never had my own and now, this car is costing me more in repairs.
God: Oh you need to buy a car? How exciting! Your first car! You can finally get your dream car! Have you budgeted your money? Are you curbing your spending habits? Are you purchasing things out of need or want?
God: No? You just spent $$$ on the most ridiculous items ever? Keep spending like you got Oprah money with that tax department job of yours. Good luck with that.
Me: Father, I resigned as a teacher in faith believing You’ve called me for something greater. But I’m stuck in an office job and I have no idea why I’m here. Is this what I took that leap of faith for? I thought I was being obedient to Your call. What am I doing?
God: You want to find out what your purpose is? Let’s do it! Are you being self-reflective and asking yourself questions, even the tough and uncomfortable ones? Are you thinking about what you want to do or can do? Are you seeking Me daily for wisdom?
God: Yeah, I’ll answer this for you. Hard no. You’re binging a 16-episode K-drama, again, and let me assure you, that’s not going to get you any closer, sis.
In my mind, God has zero effs left to give me and listen…
I get it. I would, too, if I were Him.
I have convinced myself that God will resolve the most challenging things in my life because He is God, and He’s supposed to.
I assumed that He’d just fix it for me.
I sing “God provides” and “God will make a way” with all this faith — and all that is true….
But how selfish of me to expect Him to do that just because.
Why should He do all that if I’m just standing still?
God can’t do everything for me.
He doesn’t even HAVE to do anything for me.
What He does for me it’s because He’s a loving and gracious God.
But to expect Him to fix EVERYTHING without even putting forth an effort is selfish.
Life doesn’t work like that.
Not for me, at least.
One of my earlier posts on this blog was about my frustration with mediocre people and how they are satisfied with mediocrity.
But all this time, while I have been dreaming and hoping for amazing things for myself, I have done NOTHING to reach those things.
I have been mediocre in my own choices, expecting greatness to just…happen.
I can sit here and complain that it’s unfair and throw a tantrum about how it’s easier for others and not for me.
But how it works for them isn’t how it will work for me.
I should know that by now —
Nothing in my whole life has ever come easily.
I’ve had to struggle, scrape, fight, and cry to achieve anything.
But, anything I’ve accomplished has been because I struggled, scraped, fought, and cried my way to it — all while God gave me the strength and walked alongside me.
So, yeah, it took spending close to $$$$ in two days, a dead car, and a dead phone for me to realize that if I want to CHANGE my life, then I have to get up and DO something about it.
It is now or never.