I have now been working at my new job for three months.
This past Friday was the most mentally exhausting and overwhelming day that I’ve experienced here since starting.
One of my coworkers had to tell me to stop and take a break because two hours after I arrived, they had noticed that I was going nonstop.
At one point, I was so brain dead that I had made a phone call and got caught singing along to the hold music.
It’s a wonder I could make it to 4:30, to be honest.
I have been given a lot of responsibilities in my position.
Although separately, each responsibility would not keep a person busy for 8 hours every day…
It can be overwhelming when it is all given to one person.
Or at least when it’s given to this person.
When said person is a perfectionist and has set an unreasonable bar of excellence for herself, all these responsibilities can feel formidable.
I feel like I’m spinning plates, and, at any point, one of them will drop and shatter.
This all is happening right as my second-to-last semester in grad school begins on Monday, and I am sitting here wondering if I can handle all of this.
And when I feel like this, instead of crying out for a life preserver like most people, I resort to seeking out the things that in my old life brought me comfort and a sense of control —
none of which are good.
I can feel an internal tug of war between my flesh and my faith —
My flesh keeps pulling me down into old bondages…
While my faith keeps pulling me to seek God.
My flesh is so weak that it seeks out the empty things and can’t save me — but only pushes me down further…
While my spirit feels broken, and knows that the only thing that can carry me through this is God.
This didn’t just start on Friday.
The tide has been rising over time, and, at first, I thought I could get through it…
But I am looking around, and it’s dawned on me…
I am drowning right now.
And, I’ll be honest — I don’t have the answers or solutions to fix this.
The only thing that has given me a reason to keep going is reminding myself that God will never give me more than I can bear.
And, while all I’m focusing on is that me drowning…
What I have failed to realize is that, in the meantime, God has been throwing me a life preserver all along…
“When I pass through the waters, HE will be with me; and when I pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over me…” (Isaiah 43:2)