I had a whole different post ready.
It was very judgy and snarky.
After I finished it last night, I was about to post it, but it didn’t sit well with me.
So it is currently sitting in my drafts folder.
After a terrible night’s sleep, for a myriad of reasons, I woke up this morning and the very first thought I had was about grace.
God’s limitless, amazing grace for me.
And my limited, sometimes non-existent grace for others.
It is so easy for me to point out and criticize how everyone else is failing and falling short of what God wants.
And to make myself feel better after saying all the judgmental things I do, I end it with, “I’m just as bad, if not worse, so I shouldn’t say anything.”
So why even say anything, ya buttface?!? (The buttface here being me).
What I was going to post about yesterday was a complaint about a coworker who has a very negative, pessimistic outlook on life.
This coworker is wound super-tight, cries at everything, and is always on the verge of a mental breakdown over dumb, trivial stuff.
I try to be kind and patient with them, and understanding of the fact that they may have deeper issues, but yesterday I hit a point where I wanted to just say, “Dry it up, Debbie Downer! You’re an effing adult!”
Very supportive and encouraging, I know.
But, if I sit for a minute and think , and be completely honest with myself—I would be able to admit….
I do the exact same thing.
I may not express it outwardly like they do, but come read my journals.
Listen to my conversations with God late at night when I am faced with my demons.
There’s a lot of doom and gloom.
Lots of pity parties and woe-is-me celebrations.
I wonder what my life would be like if God responded to me the same way I do people?
Rolling His eyes with annoyance at my constant pity parties.
Judging me over my entitled mentality to do whatever I want because I assume God will forgive me.
I’d be so screwed, y’all.
But thankfully, He doesn’t think like me or ask my opinions about things.
And He definitely doesn’t dole out grace like I do.
The thing is, I want to present myself as someone who is above reproach and I have convinced myself that saying empty statements like “I’m equally guilty” absolves me of any responsibility for the garbage I’m hauling around.
Just because I carry mine around in the dark, where no one can see it, doesn’t change the fact that it’s still garbage and it stinks.
My sins and shortcomings may be wrapped differently, but at the end of the day, they are still sins and shortcomings.
The only thing that keeps me from being a complete train wreck is grace.
A constant, never-ending, unmerited grace.
Receiving grace is so easy.
Extending it, on the other hand, is something I need to learn.
And I realize that God has me encountering people with all these issues for a reason.
In my original post, I said if God was trying to have me minister to this Eeyore coworker of mine, He would need to take that cup from me because I was not equipped for such a calling.
But He isn’t calling me to minister to them.
He is using them to teach me.
To show me what it’s like to extend grace to someone, even when it’s difficult.
Cause Lord knows after I’ve mucked something up for the thousandth time, or have stepped out of line again, God probably hesitates to cover me with grace.
I know I would.
But again. God doesn’t think like me.
And now I see how much I’ve taken His grace for granted in my own life.
Jonathan McReynolds' song, “Lover of My Soul” sums it up perfectly:
“Their human bones are as fragile as mine. I have my flaws, but they have the same kind. I was ashamed cause I couldn’t see. But grace says that they’re in the same boat as me.”