On the Edge

Suja
4 min readDec 26, 2022

I think there’s a lot more learning I have to do, a lot more I need to figure out about myself and God, before He can entrust me with the plan.

And that’s as it should be: because I want to be exactly who I am supposed to be when the time comes.

So here’s to having more patience in 2022 as I continue to listen, learn, grow, and become more aligned with my greater, higher purpose.

That's what I wrote on the first day of 2022.

I shared that 2021 was a year of beginnings, ends, difficulties, heartbreaks, and growing pains and that I was heading into 2022 knowing less than what I had started with.

I also understood that I had a lot to learn before God could share any plans with me, which sounds reasonable.

Now, as we are just days away from 2023, I still ask God, "What's the plan, Phil?" to no avail [shout out to Modern Family for that line], but I know slightly more than what I started.

Unfortunately, the little I learned kicked my ass.

A friend shared a quote recently on Instagram that I've seen floating around this time of year for quite some time:

For me, 2022 has been both: a year of questions AND a year of answers.

Questions I was not ready to ask and answers I did not want to find out.

2022 has been a year that has felt very heavy and incredibly humbling.

This year, God held a mirror to my face to show me all the ways that I am broken, hurting, failing, and lacking….

And not in a way to punish or humiliate me — y'all know that ain't how God works.

Not at all.

He was doing it as my loving Father who has watched me endure so much by myself and wanted me to show what He has seen all along….

To show that I am not this terrible human being, I have been made to believe I am….

To tell me that the roles of the "black sheep," "the villain," "the chubby sidekick," "the afterthought," or the "lesser sister" people have given me were never the roles He created me to play…

He was trying to tell me that who I am, is really just a broken, sad, lonely little girl who needed much more than what I was given.

He needed me to see what I have been avoiding, hiding, and pushing down deep inside all these years.

I've shared that I have been to therapy before, but I've realized that the things I shared in those sessions were all surface-level trauma. You know — all the things you expect to talk to your therapist about: dysfunctional family, relationships, self-esteem issues.

But I have never truly been honest and vulnerable.

Because being THAT vulnerable is scary.

I never talked about the things that keep me up at night, that weigh heavy on my mind — because if I do, what would people think?

Not only would I have just said it aloud and made it real — but what if when I say it, they tell me it's all in my head? Or that I am being stupid and overdramatic?

It is easier for me just to pretend it doesn't exist.

But this year, I was forced to face the truth of my pain and realize the depth of it, whether I was ready to or not.

To acknowledge what I have buried deep inside and see all the broken pieces that I refuse to heal has been painful but also empowering and incredibly freeing.

Acknowledging the truth of who I am and what I have experienced pushes me one step closer.

I wish I could say I am going into 2023 with all that figured out and cleaned up.

But I can't.

And it's not.

I am not sure I've even uncovered all of it.

So I find myself going into 2023 right on the edge….

The edge of what? I don't know.

A mental breakdown?

A life-changing breakthrough?

Who knows.

Admittedly, I am worried — I mean, who likes to be standing on the edge, staring into the unknown? Definitely not me.

So here I am on this edge, faced with the choice of either running back to who I used to be….

Or face all my fears and jump off to become who I was created to be.

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Suja

40 year-old — trying to figure out who she is and what in the F word she’s supposed to do with her life