Okay, I know I owe you (my readers) an apology.
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry. (That one’s for my sister who has been complaining that I don’t blog anymore and that she is getting useless emails from Medium).
It’s not that I had nothing to blog about or didn’t have time.
I just didn’t blog. *shoulder shrug*
My badd.
Soo, everyone doing alright?
2024, thus far, has been happy, busy, and peaceful for me *knock on wood*.
Unfortunately, though, the last few weeks have been heavy and heartbreaking, as we have been grieving the loss of an incredible 15-year-old who left the world way too soon.
That is life, right?
Full of exciting and joyous mountain-top experiences and dark, painful valleys.
And all of those come with lessons to learn and opportunities to grow.
When I started this year, I was intent on continuing this journey of becoming who I really am and I was ready and open for whatever came my way.
But also — giving ZERO effs anymore.
And that has changed my whole outlook on life.
As the months have gone by, I haven’t been able to figure out WHY I have been feeling so at peace and content.
It’s not like seismic shifts were happening in my life.
Or, at least, not enough to explain why I have felt the way I have.
Instead of feeling frustrated and unhappy, I have been at peace and simply put…
…content.
And to be honest ...it weirds me TF out.
I am much more familar with my crotchety, unhappy way of living.
I was just leaning right into my Grumpy Old Men phase — just complaining about everything, never satisfied.
But, now, the way I feel is so different.
So I looked back to see what was it that changed. When did it become different?
And that’s when it hit me.
For a long time, I had resolutely decided that I needed this certain *thing* in my life.
I had set expectations for what it was supposed to be, how it would look, and where it would fit in my life.
I could not see that I was forcing a round peg into a square hole —bound and determined to make it fit.
Even if it wasn’t meant to fit.
I was going to do everything I could to make it work.
Because it was working for everyone else, why not me??
Something had to be wrong with me, right??
So I was accommodating.
I would be whoever I needed to be.
Do whatever.
Overcompensate.
Undercompensate (that’s not a word, I know, but you get it).
Accept the scraps I was given, and convince myself they were full meals, because I thought that’s what I deserved.
I held on as tight as I could, white knuckling it to the very end.
Despite how it made me feel about myself.
Despite how frustrated I got.
Despite how lonely I felt.
Despite how hurt I’d get.
I held on because I wanted it SO DAMN BAD.
It didn’t seem to dawn on me that, despite all the things I was being told, this was not in the cards for me.
It’s hard to give up something you love so much and have given so much of your heart to, especially when you have convinced yourself it’s what you want and need.
No matter how many times God was showing me that THIS WAS NOT IT….
I just kept going back.
But the truth is, people give the best of themselves to everyone else.
Then, whatever they’ve got leftover, they give to the people who, in fact, deserve better.
Even if that’s next to nothing.
And then, expect you to be satisfied with that.
And don’t you dare have the audacity to ask for more, unless you want to risk being called selfish and having expectations that are too high and unreasonable.
So, when I looked at this with eyes wide open, I could see that the very thing I thought I needed and wanted was, in fact, incredibly toxic and unhealthy…
And I needed to make like Elsa and let it go.
So I did.
When I finally did, everything suddenly turned TECHNICOLOR (shout out to Emma Stone for that line).
And, Beyonce, so adequately, put into words what I was actually doing.
In her recently released cover/remake of Dolly Parton’s ‘Jolene,’ Beyonce sings a line that I haven’t stopped thinking about.
“Your peace depends on how you move…”
Now, that line when used in context, is a threat for that heifer Jolene.
But that line, on its own, is a powerful truth.
And it has become my daily mantra.
I get to choose how and where to move, and whatever that choice is, ultimately affects my peace.
And if I don’t want something to affect my peace, then I am going to make moves to prevent that from happening.
So I’ve removed things —small things and even big things.
Things that have kept me stunted in so many ways.
Even down to the car I drive (I’ll save that story for my next post).
I’ve said no to things.
I’ve disengaged with things.
I’ve actively been protecting my peace.
For the first time in my ENTIRE life, I can actually say I am happy.
And to think of where I was just a year ago to where I am now…..what a difference.
Sure, there are things I still hope to change — like my health or finding my perfect, dream job.
But even without those things, I am truly content.
And it may not be the life others want or think is worthy/cool/interesting enough, and that’s fine.
Because my peace is no longer affected by your opinion about my life or your presence IN my life.
So, thank you, Beyoncé, for teaching me one of the best lessons I could ever learn.
