The Room of Requirement

We have a spare room in our house that we designated as an office room when we first moved in. And although we set it up in such a way, over the 13(!) years we’ve lived here, it has slowly become what my sister and I have coined “The Room of Requirement.”

For those of you who don’t know what that means, this is another Harry Potter reference.

The Room of Requirement was this hidden, secret Room in Hogwarts, and it appeared only when someone needed it.

The Room had whatever specific item or object (or purpose) the person needed at that time.

Sometimes the Room was cluttered with all kinds of random things with towers of objects, making it challenging to get through and find what you needed.

In one book, Harry is looking for a Horcrux (ugh, I don’t have time to explain what that is, so please Google it).

He had to find this small little crown in this Room that was overflowing and piled high with junk.

This is why we call our office space the Room of Requirement.

Sometimes, it can look exactly like this — minus the towers — and walking around in it or trying to find what we need can be frustrating.

But, whenever my sister or I purge our rooms of old clothes, books, or junk we want to get rid of, it always gets moved to this Room, albeit “temporarily.”

Unfortunately, “temporarily” can sometimes turn into weeks or months, and the junk begins to pile up…

Until suddenly, when there will be a day when either my sister, myself, or both of us will get so sick of how cluttered it is that we move the stuff into the trunks of our car to haul it over to Goodwill.

Like I said…sometimes that feeling comes quick.

Or it may be months...

But, when it does happen, it’s as if something is triggered in us, and we get so sick of all the clutter, and we can’t take it anymore, and we are bound and determined to get it out.

And man, when it’s all cleared out, that sense of relief that we can finally see the floor again is fantastic!

My mind is currently a Room of Requirement for me, and, after a long time, I am finally sick of the shiznit that has accumulated in my head.

This morning, I woke up much earlier than usual, not on purpose, but because I could not go to sleep all night.

My mind was incredibly LOUD and felt very…CROWDED.

It felt like a thousand different people, voices, songs, and conversations were in my head all at once, and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get any of it to stop.

I know we all have that happen, but this wasn’t just a “restless” mind.

I know what that feels like — when you keep thinking about what you have to get done or feeling worried/anxious about something that has happened or will happen.

But I wasn’t thinking about any of that stuff.

It wasn’t that my mind was going 100 mph…it just felt CLUTTERED.

Bogged down.

It’s like I couldn’t seem to find my way out of the towers of NONSENSE I have packed away in my head.

Nothing in my head felt important or necessary.

It was all nonsense.

Junk.

Distractions…

…to keep me from finding the ONE thing I need most right now.

Since I got my new phone, it’s randomly sent me these “one year ago today” reminders, showing me pictures of what I did last year.

I don’t know why it does that cause I sure did not ask it to, and I don’t appreciate its audacity (but I’ll save that for another day).

If the goal was to make me feel convicted about how little progress I’ve made or much I have drowned myself in mind clutter….congratulations, phone, you win.

This time last year, I woke up early before the sun rose.

I would meditate, journal, and sit outside to watch the sunrise.

I was intentional about waking early to calm my mind and prepare myself to face the day ahead.

I wanted to fix my thoughts on God early in the morning.

And because I chose to do that, my days felt productive.

I felt stronger and more purposeful — even on the days that I felt alone and defeated.

Now?

You’re lucky if I am not snoozing that alarm until the last possible moment.

Meditate?

Me??

That’s hilarious.

I’ve been wondering why I feel so frustrated and out of sorts, especially lately.

My tolerance for people and things is so low, almost nonexistent.

The littlest things set me off.

I find myself unmotivated to make changes and, at the same time, frustrated with myself for being so unmotivated.

I’ve become obsessed and fixated on things that are so ridiculous — and for a while, I thought it was funny — but the more that I think about it, the more I realize that those things are just more distractions to add to my mind’s Room of Requirement.

Because if I spend my energy complaining, obsessing, and fixating on everything BUT what’s important, then my mind’s Room of Requirement is doing exactly what I need it to do — DISTRACT.

I have to change what I need from this Room.

And what I need…is simple.

I need God.

But, in all this clutter and noise, I can’t seem to find God anywhere.

And, I fear that I’ve piled up so much garbage and nonsense in my head that I’ve pushed Him out, and He’s not there anymore.

Like there’s no more room for Him.

I am so disappointed that I have become so distracted by such trivial and foolish things that I have forgotten what it meant to be still, seek Him, and be intentional about my time.

The me from last year would be so disheartened to see what I’ve become.

Because this person was not it.

I’ve written before about feeling stagnant, but I can honestly say that’s not how I feel now.

The only person to blame for all that chaos is ME.

I’ve packed up my mind with so much junk.

Perhaps I did it because thinking about those things is easier than facing my reality.

Not that that is an excuse.

Because how much longer can I avoid reality?

I have to face it head-on.

I am learning that I am a person who needs to set boundaries and limitations for myself because excess in any area of my life means that I’ll push the important things out to make room for that excess stuff, which then eventually becomes distractions from the necessary.

Finding God in all this mess I’ve created isn’t going to be easy, but I’m hoping beyond all hope that if I keep looking hard enough, I’ll find Him waiting.

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Suja

39 year-old — trying to figure out who she is and what in the F word she’s supposed to do with her life=)