Many things give me anxiety.
This statement, “Tell me about yourself,” is one of those things.
I have a note on my phone with an answer ready to go that I copy and paste every time someone asks me.
“My name is…., I’m 37, living in… I’m a 5th-grade teacher and have been teaching for 14 years. I teach in the school district I grew up in as a child and from which I graduated. I live in the same area I grew up in since I was 3. I live with my older sister, who is a History professor… In my spare time, I love to read. I’m so excited to be here!”
Ugh. I hate it so much.
It’s not that I’m lying because it’s all true.
But that’s the part that I hate. That it is true….
What I hate most of all, is that it’s all I have to say about myself.
My therapist asked me last week what is that I wanted to say? What is that I want people to know?
Well, an ideal response right now would be:
“My name is…., I’m 37, and I hate living in ….. I’ve been a teacher for 14 years. I have given every fiber of my soul to my job. I love being a teacher, but I have defined myself by my job, and I have no life because I spend every waking minute thinking about my job. Reading is the only escape that I have because it’s all I have made time to do. I wish I lived in … where I could do a job that invigorates me and doesn’t make me feel burdened and stressed as much as this job does. I am very creative. I miss singing. I love to write. I am freaking HILARIOUS, but I’m also brilliant. I’m overweight, but I desperately wish I had more discipline to lose weight. I want to meet someone and fall in love, but I’m too afraid to be vulnerable. Oh, and I am the most fiercely loyal friend you will ever find, which probably explains why I love dogs so much and plan to have a farm full of dogs.”
Sharing that might make a bunch of strangers feel super uncomfortable.
You might be thinking: stop complaining and change something, then!
And, you’re right.
The only thing that is keeping me from changing my own life is …. me.
But I wish it was that easy. I wish I were that young buck who had nothing to be worried about because I had my whole life out in front of me.
But I’m not that young buck anymore. I have a mortgage, student loans, and debt. I need a steady income and reliable health insurance because I’m a freaking grown-up.
Taking risks at 37 is a lot scarier than when I was 17 or 21.
If I lose weight, who will I be? All I’ve known for the past 20 years of my life is being overweight. If I am thin, will I change? Will people change how they treat me?
If I leave where I live, who will I know? How will I make friends? Who would want to be my friend? How will I survive in a place that I don’t even know?
If I leave my job now, then who will I be? I feel more myself in the four walls of my classroom than anywhere else. If I leave those four walls, who am I? If I’m not a teacher, then who am I? As Indians, we were raised to believe that when we have a job, it’s our responsibility to do that job until the day we die. We aren’t supposed to take risks and leave when we feel restless. That quote, “Those who wander are not lost,” is the complete antithesis to the Indian belief system. If I wander, I am lost and directionless. I am not responsible and mature. I am wasting time.
But, if I stay in this one place — not just career-wise, but in every sense of the word ‘place’ — that makes me feel so unhappy and purposeless, then am I not wasting my time?
I only have one to live. I don’t want to be 70 years old and look back at my life and think that all I did was work at a job in a place that I hated.
When I was growing up, we spent most of our free time at church. Once a month, we had youth meetings, where we signed up for programs to sing, write/read an essay, give a speech, do an object lesson, etc. We played games like “Bible verse search” that my sister and I dominated, or “Bible quiz” (that I failed at). We played another game called “Who Am I?” where we would describe notable people in the Bible, and the audience had to guess who the person was.
“God spoke to me in a burning bush. I led the Israelites to freedom. Who am I?” and then one of us would yell out, “Moses!”.
I find myself playing this game with myself.
“I am the one frustrated with my current life situation, and I dream of the day when I will be brave enough to take a leap of faith and make a decision that will completely change the trajectory of my life. I have been nagged by this restless feeling in the deepest part of my soul that keeps me up at night because I keep imagining where I SHOULD be right now. Who am I?”
This is where I’d yell my name out.
“I left my job teaching to pursue a career in something no one ever expected, not even myself, and I now live in a place that is exciting and culturally diverse. I have people around me who challenge me and support me. I am healthy and happy and living my most authentic life. Who am I?”
This is where I’m stumped because I don’t have an answer for this one…
…Yet.
