You gotta BE

Last year, my word for the year was consistent.

And, to be honest, I was anything but consistent.

Does it count if I was consistently INconsistent?

Cause then I count that as a win.

In my defense, I was consistent with some things…

…feeling stressed, overwhelmed, annoyed, and frustrated.

…binging K dramas (#worthit).

…listening to my favorite K-pop (#alsoworthit).

….waking up at 5 am (although that might also be a fail because I intended to pray and meditate every morning. Instead, many mornings, I snoozed the alarm for an hour or fell asleep mid-prayer).

….ordering Door Dash because I was consistently lazy (but also, Chic Fil A breakfast on Saturday mornings is like my crack cocaine).

…bothering my sister.

I am not super proud of those, but at least I was consistent.

I wish I were consistent in more productive, mature things like exercise, finances, or reading — like a real adult.

But, let's be honest, being an adult is for the birds.

I wracked my brain to think of my word for this year but decided not to force it, and it finally came to me on the first day of the year.

My word for 2023 is: BE.

I want to BE everything I am supposed to be.

God commands us to BE so many things:

"BE still…" — Psalms 46:10

"BE strong and courageous…." — Joshua 1:9

"BE merciful…." — Luke 6:36

“BE sympathetic…compassionate…humble….”— 1 Peter 3:8

"BE joyful in hope…." — Romans 12:12

"BE completely humble and gentle…." — Ephesians 4:2

"BE steadfast, immovable, always abounding…." — 1 Corinthians 15:58

So, using His directives as inspiration, I added to His list of things I want to BE this year:

Be kind. Be loyal. Be grateful. Be hardworking. Be powerful.

Be trustworthy. Be true. Be driven. Be bold. Be helpful.

Be motivated. Be fearless. Be mindful. Be wise.

Be generous. Be honest. Be forgiving. Be confident. Be decisive.

Be authentic.

BE FREE.

And, of course, there are also ways in which I need to BE LESS:

Less anxious.

Less worried.

Less sensitive.

Less defensive.

Less afraid.

Less hateful and critical (with myself).

Less obsessed with Korean men and the fictional characters they play.

(Err…disregard that last one cause it won't be happening anytime soon).

After a good audit of my life (thank you, tax department job, for teaching me new vocabulary), I have discovered there are many things I need to BE more or less…

So every day, I ask God to help me BE whatever it is He needs to be me and that He will show me the areas in my life that need to improve.

I am fully aware that what I am attempting here will take work.

This first week has proven that.

It started with a lot of great wins for me.

But it also came with a huge disappointment.

2022 me would have spiraled into a deep, dark hole of despair.

2023 me — cried and felt disappointed — but immediately reminded myself that there's a reason for everything and that if one door closes, it isn't a sign that I am not good enough, that nothing will ever work out for me, and that my life is pointless with no purpose (this is what I meant by spiraling, btw).

It simply means that THIS opportunity was a door I was not meant to walk through.

And that's okay.

This was a setback that taught me to:

BE ENCOURAGED.

BE TRUSTING.

BE PATIENT.

I am holding myself accountable by listing ONE thing that has happened every day that has taught me to "be" something.

It can be as nonsensical as "taking down all the Christmas decorations on New Year's Day" (Be productive) to successes at work (Be diligent) or to disappointments, like the one I mentioned.

I want to understand what each lesson/experience teaches me to BE.

Even that one small thing has helped me change how I see myself, my circumstances, and how I face each day.

I know, I know…. you're probably rolling your eyes reading this and thinking, "It's only the first week of January; in a few weeks, you'll be back to your despondent blogs."

Where's the lie?

I just admitted that I struggle with consistency, so this could probably all go to pot by January 15th.

But I want this for myself so much.

I REALLY want to do all I can to see this word come to fruition this year.

I want to be the absolute best version of myself.

Because I don't the like the version I've been.

The reality is that no one can change my life's trajectory or my mindset except me (and God).

Proverbs 23:7 says, "So as a man thinketh….so is he."

So I am thinking…I am gonna walk into 40, being exactly who I am supposed to be.

I know I'm not ready.

And if I'm not ready, then y'all for sure ain't ready.